The New Communication
by writeforlifewriteforlove
Summary: Mary comes home from Mexico early, and with a new perspective. But Marshall's mad, and Mary's not talking TO him, so she tries a new form of Communication.  Rating for Language, mostly
1. Chapter 1

Mary Shannon was not a girl to confess all of her messy, screwed up feelings to anyone. She didn't whisper with her sister in the dark, had no close girlfriends, and certainly was never going to keep a diary. But sometimes, all the _crap_ in her life was just this side of overwhelming, and she needed a place to hide.

Today was one of those days.

-IPS-

Closing her eyes with a heavy sigh, Mary sunk slowly into her living room couch. The A/C was still off from her aborted vacation, and the house was sweltering – to the point that it was all she could do to breathe.

But then again, maybe that had nothing to do with the temperature.

"_How the _hell_ did my life get so fucked up so fast?"_ Mary thought. _"Seriously. Like a week ago, stuff sucked, but at least I had Jinx and Brandi and people around. Having a house to myself actually kinda blows."_

"_God, now I'm even lying to myself. Even _I'm _in touch enough with my feelings to know this has nothing to do with Mom and Brandi leaving. I've been looking forward to that all my life. Let's be real now, Mary. Time to put on your big girl panties and own up to the fact that you just ruined the single most important relationship in your life. Good going on that one, by the way."_

With a groan, Mary realized it was probably not a good sign that not even _she_ was on her side at this point. Normally, on a night like tonight, when the yelling in her head became too much to stand, she'd show up unannounced at Marshall's, takeout in hand, and pretend to be suffering greatly from his choice of TV show, while secretly just enjoying his closeness.

Unfortunately, that was no longer an option.

"_Damn."_

-IPS-

Eventually, the heat crossed the line between miserable and unbearable, and Mary heaved herself off the couch, canceling the remaining days on her vacation preset, and sighed with relief when she heard the air kick on.

Original mission accomplished, she no longer had a plan. _"Sitting on my couch watching a sad movie and eating Ben and Jerry's is _way_ too pathetic. Even for me."_

So she continued down the hall to her bedroom, collapsing on her bed. At a sharp poke in her spine, she rolled over and sat up, rolling her eyes as she found the legal pad she'd lent Brandi for school.

Staring at the pad for a moment, Mary shrugged. _"What have I got to lose? At this point, dignity's already way out the window."_ So she leaned over to her nightstand and grabbed one of the ballpoint pens she loved to steal from hotel rooms on her road trips with Marshall. _" Soon to be awkward Witness transfers where Marshall happens to be present. Jesus it sucks doing stupid shit."_

Shaking the thought from her head, she uncapped the pen, chewing on the end, and finally started to write.


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Marshall,

**I get it. **

**Really and truly, I do. I know I'm kind of a bitch – well, okay, am a huge bitch, but I honest to God never meant for my bullshit to get this far – to get to where it hurt you too. **

**Last week, you scared the crap out of me. And I know that's not an excuse, but it's pretty much all I've got. I put so much time and energy keeping other people out that I never really noticed when you slipped inside all of my "walls." (Just by the way – totally not my word, but it's what Shelley says…back to the point, sorry). **

**Anyway, you somehow managed to get a hell of a lot closer than anybody ever had before you. And that's scary. At least to screw ups like me. And I know you're my best friend, and I know you're the only partner I could ever deal with, but I truly never saw that speech about the "cowboys" and the "looking for someone" shit coming. It shattered the last barrier we had left.**

You and I walk a fragile line  
>I have known it all this time<br>but I never thought I'd live to see it break

**I know you feel things more openly than I do, but you've always been the one that saw mine even before I did. And for freaking out on you because you're constantly one step ahead of me on the emotional stuff, I'm sorry. **

**And Jesus, I have no idea how you found out about what an idiot I am and figured out the Faber thing, but you were never supposed to know. Yeah, yeah, I get it. I'm not helping my case here. But now you're all pissed, and rightfully so, and I'm the biggest fool in the world.**

It's getting dark and it's all too quiet  
>And I can't trust anything now<br>And it's coming over you like it's all a big mistake Because I'm sitting here alone on my bed, because the couch still smells like you on one end, and I can't take that.

Oh, I'm holding my breath  
>Won't lose you again<br>something's made your eyes go cold 

**You probably hate me. And you should. I broke something precious to both of us. **

Come on, come on, don't leave me like this  
>I thought I had you figured out<br>Something's gone terribly wrong  
>You're all I wanted<p>

**You've always known more about me than I've known about myself. But Marsh, I finally figured it out. **

**I'm nothing without you next to me.**

Come on, come on, don't leave me like this  
>I thought I had you figured out<br>Can't breathe whenever you're gone  
>Can't turn back now, I'm haunted <p>

**I always thought those girls who pined and cried were pussies and babies. But seriously, I can't function without you around. God, when you got shot in that shitfest that was the Horst thing, I literally think my heart stopped beating for a minute. **

**I was going to assassinate people for you.**

**So what if they were evil dirtbags? They belonged to someone, once. But you were more important.**

Stood there and watched you walk away  
>From everything we had<br>But I still mean every word I said to you

**I'm a shitty friend, Marshall. I really, really am. And I get that you think you need to leave. I get that I'm kind of like poison. But what I said in that nasty old gas station still holds up. If it's better for you, you can quit protecting me from the world. I'll be okay. And I'll try to play nice with everyone else. But you have to protect ****you from me.**

**But here's the part I still mean with everything thing I am. You can't ever die, okay? For me.**

**Because I don't know how to exist in a world that doesn't have you in it somewhere.**

He would try to take away my pain  
>And he just might make me smile<br>But the whole time I'm wishing he was you instead 

**The Mexico thing was honestly the worst decision of my life. And I've made some really bad ones.**

**But here's the thing.**

**When I was in Mexico, Faber came in, and hugged me, and tried to kiss me, already copping a feel.**

**And it felt wrong, and dirty, and gross. But not because he was presumptuous or anything outside of what I've done before. **

You and I walk a fragile line  
>I have known it all this time<br>Never ever thought I'd see it break.  
>Never thought I'd see it...<p>

**It felt wrong because he wasn't you, Marsh.**

**Just something to think about.**

**- Mary**


	3. Chapter 3

Mary heaved a sigh. _God. I'm pathetic. I'm pining over a guy who hates my guts. And I don't even feel like it's enough._

She folded up the scrawled letter and tossed it onto her nightstand. _Maybe, instead of being a wimp and crying onto a piece of old legal paper, I should actually do something about it. Yeah. I'm the act first, think later girl, remember? Marshall's the one who thinks things through. It's why we fit._

With that thought sounding in her head, Mary dashed to her dresser, threw on some clothes, stuffed her swollen feet back into her sandals, and headed for the door.

-IPS-

After 10 minutes and about 7 broken traffic laws, the probe sputtered quietly to a stop in front of Marshall's house. Mary turned off the car, but didn't move from the driver's seat. There was a problem.

To a casual observer, everything seemed normal. A car in the driveway, the porch light on, sounds from a radio or television playing softly in the background.

But it wasn't normal. Because Mary knew that Marshall always parked his SUV in the garage, never left the porch light on unless a visitor was coming, and preferred to read than to watch TV alone.

Seeing movement through the kitchen window, Mary refocused. Marshall walked into the kitchen, carrying a wine glass. He was dressed up – in a button down instead of his normal post-work T-shirt. His hair was damp, presumably from a shower, and he'd shaved recently – as in more recently than before work.

Mary quickly started racking her brain for excuses. _Oh, he had a work dinner, and now he's just calming down before he changes. Or maybe his mom's in town – I don't know what her car looks like, so that could explain the random sedan in the drive…_She checked the license plate on the car. _Damn. New Mexico plates. His parents still live in Texas. So, then who the HELL is in his house?_

Moments later, she had her answer. A young woman, maybe early thirties, slipped into the room with a glass of wine to match Marshall's. She was gorgeous – with curly dark hair, a pretty smile, and a killer cocktail dress. From her body language, Mary knew immediately what was going on. Marshall was on a date.

But maybe it's just a "I'm pissed at Mary and need to get back at her" date. God, I hope this is a payback date.

The woman moved closer to Marshall, lifting his wine glass from his hands and placing it on the counter behind him. She stepped into him, and raised her face expectantly. Marshall's grin widened.

Whoa. So maybe not a payback date. Shit

Mary could barely bring herself to watch as Marshall lowered his head to the stranger's to meet her lips. With a sob, she threw the probe into reverse and shot away down the street. She made it about 6 blocks before she was forced to pull over. The tears were impeding her vision.

-IPS-

Marshall broke the kiss when he heard a screeching noise. He looked up in confusion.

"Did you hear that?" he asked.

"Hear what?" the woman murmured. "I didn't hear anything…"

"No, Abigail, seriously" Marshall said, pushing her away gently. "It sounded like a car in the driveway."

He moved over to the kitchen window and peered out into the night.

"I don't see anything either," Abigail said, wrapping her arms around him from behind. "So where were we?"

With a concealed sigh, Marshall gave in, and turned away from the window.

-IPS-

When Mary finally made it to her house without causing an accident, she walked into her room as if in a trance. Oh. My. God. He's already moved on. And she's so pretty, and just so…perfect. I bet her life isn't screwed up and I bet she's not a bitch.

And I bet he loves her.

Choking back a sob, refusing to cry any more, Mary moved to her dresser, swapping her jeans and top for a set of Marshall's old sweats. Once dressed, she buried her nose into the sleeve, inhaling her partner's scent. Eventually, she pulled her head back up and looked around the room listlessly. Her eyes shifted to the nightstand.

Ugh. What the hell, right? At least it gave me something to do.

So she reached for the legal pad and her chewed up pen.


	4. Chapter 4

**Dear Marshall,**

**I'm back. Well, I guess I don't tell you that, because I highly doubt you'll ever read it because I'll end up feeling pathetic and will burn it. But still. Two letters, one day? Big deal. At least for me.**

**Anyway. I'm rambling again, sorry. Um…I just wanted to say that I know. I saw everything – the fancy wine, the dress clothes, the kiss.**

**But I'm trying not to think about it, because when I do I start getting all wimpy and teary and sniffly, and I've cried so much in the last 24 hours I don't even know what to do.**

**So I started thinking about us. And how special you are to me. And I kept coming back to that day in the gas station. Remember? You with the sucking chest wound, me playing doctor, and that shithead Horst whining in the background? I know, good times for all.**

**But in all seriousness. When I thought you were dying, I made up my mind, that if you went, so did I. Because we're partners, and we stick together.**

I still remember the look on your face  
>Lit through the darkness at 1:58<br>The words that you whispered for just us to know  
>You told me you loved me so why did you go away, go away<p>

**At least, I thought we did. You said it that day, you know. You said, in your way, that you loved me. And I just didn't hear it. Because I wasn't ready to handle it. But that was the plan. Mary and Marshall, taking the world by the balls. Forever.**

**You are my best friend in the entire world. And I thought we were happy.**

I do recall now the smell of the rain  
>Fresh on the pavement, I ran off the plane<br>That July 9th the beat of your heart  
>It jumps through your shirt, I can still feel your arms<p>

**When I got off the plane from that transport right after Horst – you know, when you were stuck on desk duty so I had to go to Tennessee all by myself – there was nothing I wanted more than time with you. To most people, that probably would have been a good hint, but we all know I'm a little slow sometimes. But back to the point.**

**I never told you, but that witness transport went even more sideways than the report said. There was a hailstorm of bullets, and several came insanely close to hitting me. And as I hid behind that wall, sheltering a witness that wasn't even mine, I couldn't help but think that I would give anything to get to see you one more time. Just one.**

**So when we landed in Albuquerque, I flew to you, and finally, everything felt right again.**

**I'm kind of wishing I had that feeling right now. But after tonight, I know it has to change. **

But now I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes  
>All that I know is I don't know<br>How to be something you miss

**We've been partners so long I don't even know where I stop and you start anymore. That's how much you've gotten to me. Only you, Doofus.**

**But what I saw earlier showed me that you deserve better than me, and that it's out there looking for you. So I have to let you be there for it. It's the only way I can let go – knowing that you'll be better off.**

So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep  
>And I'll feel you forget me like I use to feel you breathe<br>And I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are  
>Hope it's nice where you are<p>

**I'll call Stan and check in – you get to keep Albuquerque, it wouldn't mean anything to me without you anyway – and make sure everything's going okay.**

And I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day  
>And something reminds you, you wish you had stayed<p>

**I really hope you're happy with this girl. And if not her, with the most perfect person for you in the world. Because that's what you should have. Your life should be storybook – but maybe sometime you could remember me. Maybe there'll be a girl in your kid's class named Mary, and you'll find a picture of us or something. Could you tell your kids about us? You know, about the us before I ruined everything? I think I'd like that.**

We can plan for a change in weather and time  
>I never planned on you changing your mind<p>

So, I'll go, sit on the floor wearing your clothes  
>All that I know is I don't know<br>How to be something you miss

**So yeah. That's all I've got for now. I hope your life is wonderful in every way it should be. Just be happy, okay? **

**For me.**

Never imagined we'd end like this

**You mean everything Marshall. Always. Remember that. I'm not leaving because I want to. I'm leaving because it's what you need.**

**And that's what matters.**

**-Mary**


End file.
